In a vacation environment totally devoid of any stress, I couldn't stand to be in my husband's company. Dont give him information that he will then twist (anxiety twists everything) and dont waste your time or your energy you need that for other things. This is stuff you gotta ask yourself. For the more immediate concerns, maybe you could also suggest scheduling a phone call every night or something to help put his mind at ease, and that yall meet with a counselor to help work through his concerns. You are married to someone who spent three days while you were traveling for work burdening you withgroundless questions about your conduct. We hike through Red Rock Canyon or the Valley of Fire. Hes a great husband who is loving & shows affection in many was. I wanted to comment on the everyone I talked to agrees with me stance hes taken. Im anxious and so is my Mother, so Ive been on both sides of this, and I have a lot of sympathy for you, OP, and for your spouse too. Without any business context then yeah, lots of people would object to that. However, the husband is being ridiculous. In no way am I saying if he does have anxiety its totally okay for him to be a controlling ass not at all. Conflict resolution. A good couples counselor who can handle the individual issues after using the couple-relationship to establish a good rapport with an individual who is resistant to treatment in a traditional one-on-one setting is not a bad way to start tackling these issues, and has the added bonus of giving the OP an opportunity to select a therapist she trusts. Talk about what services you provide. The threading makes it a little unclear, but thats not the part under discussion: Top-Level Comment: If a person has surrounded themselves with a bunch of people that thinks its normal for one spouse to tell the other what they are/arent allowed to do, thats a beyond red flag., Response: Or its an indication that they live in a different culture than the one you know.. So, later this year I am going on a two-week hiking trip with a couple of friends one of whom is a man, even! If his fears really are Vegas-specific, spending time there might help. While that is a choice that some people wouldnt want to make, an annual business trip is very common. Hmm Shes probably going to cheat on me in Vegas because thats what people do in VegasWait I cant say that, of course shes going to deny ithmm, what else can I say to convince her to stay Kidnapping! It seems a loving husband would have found a way for his wife to attend her best friends wedding. Por qu se separ Tania Rincn de su esposo? I always laugh about when I lived in the Bay Area and my mom would freak out anytime I mentioned doing something in Oaklandshe really could not understand how the city could possibly be different than the way it is portrayed in the media, and assumed I was walking into some drug/murder den on a frequent basis. But Id want OP to figure out a little more what this behavior of his is really about, and make sure its not his way of trying to control her / torpedo her career, before Id recommend she let him supervise her work trip. When I was a teen, she wouldnt even let me walk the dog around our boring, gated community if it was dark out. Has he ever left the house? Irrational fears are just a normal part of life, especially in these days of social media and around-the-clock news coverage, but when they either start holding you back from doing things you want/need to do or start negatively affecting the people in your life, thats a sign youve stepped over the line of normal and should seek help finding that line again. But theres no letting about it. BTW, I hate the what happens in Vegas slogan and commercials as someone who did have a relationship end because of my partners infidelity, its not something that I find funny or amusing, and I cant imagine Im alone in that. There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. When people ask me why, I reply that I dont drink, gamble, or enjoy naked women, so theres little to attract me there aside from some pretty good food, which I can get anywhere. Yes. $57 foie gras burgers and stuff, just total lunacy. She takes trips with friends, or solo, a few times a year. Find advice, support and good company (and some stuff just for fun). It was very concerning. If the wife approaches it as a joint issue, that demonstrates goodwill rather than blame, and is more likely to get the husband into the therapists office. My colleagues travel all over the world, sometimes to places in great upheaval where they have to have military escorts. 7. That was my thinking toohow much did he lead them into getting the exact answer he wanted? This is really weird and honestly, bordering on abusive (at the very least controlling). I was /thisclose/ to emigrating to another continent at one point, tbh. But I do agree that its extremely possible the OPs husband is, consciously or unconsciously, skewing the results in his favor. Display any widget here. I hope you find a guy who does that for you. Oh, every election season angry people show up at 538 to explain that a poll of their social group shows 100% agreement with OP on everything, and so clearly the official polls are generated by a Vast Conspiracy. Like fposte said the husband would only mention his friends opinions if it supported his own. Im going to a conference there in November for in-depth training on our electronic medical records system (not exactly a party subject! But in her mind, as another comment perfectly said, as soon as the sun sets, everyone is a drunk driving, human trafficking, drug kingpin. I agree with your husband .. From the OPs subsequent posts, it sounds like they did agree with the husband, and that shes in an area where thats a more common approach. The country really isnt so homogeneous on this kind of experience that you have to seek out people to agree with you on this no matter where you live. I hate the idea that the LWs husband feels like he has some kind of power to tell his spouse that she cant go on this trip. Thats not how this works!! I might just be flinching at the use of the word wholesome, though. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Your husband is being insecure (at best!). I dated a guy like that! You really, really have no basis for this. Bigger point being ITS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS and not their place to weigh in. (That started as a joke but I think I might actually be onto something, re: familiar vs unfamiliar crimes and the perceived danger of each.). We saw a fun show with impersonators of Sinatra, Dean Martin, Cher, etc and fun dancers. I dont think that would help the situation, however. Maybe LW could ask her own friends opinions, and LW, if you cant think of anyone to ask, is that because husband has systematically eliminated outside relationships? Refusing to go on this trip is highly unlikely to save your marriage. I build these horrific scenarios in my mind about what supposedly happened. You dont get PERMISSION, you agree that something is good, or you dont, but this bs about him letting you go on a work trip is just gross. It seems infinitely more likely that what they actually said was yeah man, that sucks, I dont know why she wouldve broken up with you as sympathy and he took it that way, but either way, you dont date by committee! (FWIW Im married and work FT and during tax season Ive come home at 10-12 PM. People buy life insurance for people they love all the time, and dont tell them to stay at home all the time to avoid the risks. And when he would occasionally go to conferences for work, she trusted him as well. What to Expect supports Group Black and its mission to increase greater diversity in media voices and media ownership. Out alone after dark = commuting to a job that has normal office hours. And basic woman code of policing your drink would negate that fear. Ill wait. One of our Bright Side readers sent us an e-mail pouring her heart out about a tricky situation she's going through. Wow, that is some really scummy manipulation. Hehesitated, but agreed.Onthe third day ofthe vacation, his parents, brothers, and their spouses were all sitting atatable outside whileI was preparing afruit salad. Because a healthy, loving partner does not do this. He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. I second counseling. Plan some quiet time or independent activities if you're getting frustrated. She should set a boundary around this type of thing because it gets out of hand. OP, I really hesitate to use the word abuse when it comes to anyone elses relationship, but this post is giving me bad flash backs to a boyfriend who did this kind of thing to me all the time and I now know that it was psychological, emotional abuse and manipulation. of my colleagues are and having the convention somewhere like Las Vegas brings in more talent from around the world. And it also sounds like this is unusual in their area, so its not a situation that he sees tons of people going through unruffled. My wife and I have two young kids. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. Expect it to hurt, though, and to feel guilty over it. I have a 3 yr old, almost 2 yr old, and 2 month old. Im so sorry, Emma. Twenty. (Note: relationship = 3-4 months of long-distance dating, which I quickly realized was a Bad Idea.) I'm in the car right now with a 6-week-old on what is usually a 11-hour drive, which we broke up into two days with a night at a hotel midway. Unless youre asking permission to uproot your familys life or something it just seems infantilizing. We are individual people, and of course we take each other into account, but ultimately neither of us is the others possession or pet. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . If its a crippling anxiety issue, a solo visit to a therapist and their GP for anxiety meds might be more effective. Im glad you left that loser. And Hunter Thompson and Oscar Acosta are dead anyway. Yes, they pay for his airfare and, if necessary, the difference in the hotel room rate and they dont spend that much time together, but they spend *some* time together and are at least getting to see each other for some part of the day.). But if not, why would you stay with this. And that now his family isdisappointed inme. He easily sleeps 4 hours. This is the exact opposite of what youre suggesting, Ramona. I do think the OP should be cautious and watch for other signs of controlling behavior/abuse, but if this is an aberration (and she says above that it is), I dont think the what happens in Vegas is enough to shift it for me. :-). So when my sister and her then-boyfriend said they were taking a trip there, my first thought was that they shouldnt go because tourists are always killed horribly in Vegas (or are sometimes raped or kidnapped). I actually disagree. (The sales guy told her, its just like any other dance show, but at half the price and without the headdress! I recognized the name and tried to talk her out of it, but she believed the sales guy over me.) They have PUDDING, OP. Thats another reason to put off discussions the information just wont register with him while hes anxious. This is a pretty classic controlling partner move. He is asking the wrong people. If I ask him he will clarify but I trust him and dont need to worry. The first time I visited Scotland (as an undergrad) I was on a school trip and we went to Orkney, in the far north. For another, unless the husband is a lot more clever than it seems from the letter and follow ups, a good counselor would be useful to the OP, even if it is abuse. It is a huge trust issue. I ALWAYS wonder in these cases if the guy actually did do this, or is just saying that he did to bolster his own stance. A room like that in any other city would cost 3 or 4 times that. Get that man into counseling, pronto. Is this the one about the rationalist who refused to pick up broken glass? When I first moved to the city, my mom told me to never, ever go anywhere after dark. When I said but no one else called their boyfriends he then he shifted to well, if you want to have a relationship like THEIRS I think it doesnt take much poking at this topic to find out if your spouse is anxious or controlling. I would have zero concerns about my husband going to Vegas without me, and I know that he would have zero concerns about me going without him. You just cant. Im not diagnosing at all. You can even pick up brochures of holiday packages. My hunny is not a fan of me getting up at 4:30 and going running in the dark by myself. When I was fretting over whether to pursue a fantastic opportunity that would require a good amount of travel, he told me, Youve worked too hard to get where you are to not take ANY opportunity you want to take. And he means it. My associatons annual conference rotates between about six places, and even in big cities like Chicago and Philly we need to use three nearby hotels to have enough meeting rooms and hotel rooms. A decade? I just saw the news about the mass shooting in Vegas. Walking to work? My husband knows I am a lone soul sometimes and love my exciting career. Yeah, I had a boyfriend in college who Id started dating after being part of the same friend group as him for a long time. we can all agree that either way, Husband isnt likely to change his behaviour without some outside intervention, so I do hope that counselling is an option for them. Either he socializes with very retrograde people, or hes snowing you when he tells you that hes enjoying full-throated unquestioning support of his attempt to stifle your career. You could rent a car, though, and see lots of great places Hoover Dam, Boulder City, Red Rock Canyon, drive around Lake Mead, drive through Death Valley, go to Scottys Castle, just drive down to Jean and Primm and back for the heck of it (we did that several times when we lived there), Mt. You could likely even say to a bystander, hey something is weird here, and they would help you. And the concerns mentioned about What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, sin city, dramatic kidnapping scenarios, etc. I think you know that all of his fears could happen to you (or be things youd do) wherever you live or any place you travel to. It doesnt sound as though shes given him any reason to be so insecure. New Message From: MayaSubject: Iwent home after overhearing myhusband and his mom saying they didnt want metobeapart ofthe family vacation.Every year, myhusband goes onafamily vacation. Oooh, Ive heard of the mob museum. I like having the house to myself for a weekend. So I do think theres a chance this is just a Vegas thing. I had to speak on a panel one afternoon and give a presentation the next morning, but the conference I spoke at was not for my industry so I had no connections or contacts there. Well there it is. We live in an at-will dating society, where either party can end the relationship at any time, with or without cause and with or without notice. And my husband has two business trips of at least four days each in the next two months and Im rather thrilled. Unless hes got super-deep anxiety, how do you just kind of throw out but you might CHEAT on me if you go to Sin City!! Its better than it has been at times, but it never quite goes away. The Sin City stuff is absolutely the product of creating a specific image through decades of marketing, not necessarily a real reflection of what its like. I have friend who grossly exaggerates the number of people who support his stance, nevermind the the biasing in surveying. We had screaming matches over girls night out or any activity that might throw me in the path of men. I didnt read him as being a chauvinist. For sure gamboling DOES occur in Vegas, same as gambling :). She Won't Tell Her Husband the Gender of Their Baby Because He Refused Literally cannot learn your brain switches off the learning & memory centres of your brain while its priming your legs to flee the sabre-toothed dire wolves of your imagination. My husband used to be pretty bad about my work trips, too. Im a bit flabbergasted. Yet he says he would not even go without me. Close Menu. Note: After I wrote this answer, I received more details about the letter-writer about exactly what her husbands objections are. I used to travel 3 weeks out of the month from Wed-Sun for work and often traveled by myself to large cities as well as smaller locations and never felt unsafe. All rights reserved. I sometimes know and I often dont. Its a big deal, but its not the end of the world for either of you. You are not alone with this. If I genuinely believed he was in danger, this would be insulting beyond words. A friend of mine was sort of that guy! This captures so much of what anxiety sufferers like my wife go through and what spouses like myself have to find a way to work through with their partner. Speak to him about how he feels if you were to invite people over. I just want to highlight this since some commenters are piling on about the husband being some kind of chauvinist keeping women down. Some couples like a lot of separate space between them, others dont. Hopefully, a good counselor will see what, if any, underlying issues may be playing into this mess and refer him in the right direction. Vegas is not somewhere Id vacation, but conferences there are very smooth and convenient. But no gambling! Im so glad I made that choice. *thumbs up, fistbump, etc*, This comment got away from me a bit, Im sorry for that. How would it feel if you lost your job or got demoted because you stopped travelling due to his shenanigans? A few years back my older sister went to LV on a business trip with others. I havent missed a day other than scheduled vacation. Do not sacrifice your career for this. For heavent sake dont say it to him; dont want to give him any ideas. Marriage counselling is categorically not recommended if there is abuse. In a healthy marriage, there is no spouse v. spouse, and theres room for career, hobbies, friends, etc. Everyone except family becomes a drunk driving human trafficker after sunset. For the OP, this is a marriage problem. They live there with partners and children, even! I just caught that you were the main provider in your home. I think youre right, but it really needs to be highlighted up top: a lot of people tend to think that couples counseling is for us issues, and this is 100% a him issue. A person who wants to cheat will cheat even if the business trip is in Dayton, OH, or they will cheat even in their hometown. You also cannot learn anything while youre in a state of fear. Tell him to get over himself. The veg option at the two meals at the convention center consisted entirely of iceberg lettuce salad). I think whatever LV *was* once, its not anymore. I do think some commenters above have some good thoughts on why this might require individual counseling (in addition to or instead of couples counseling), but it sounds like youre pursuing both, which is great. If its phrased as Wife wants to go to Vegas without me for 3 days but go with a bunch of random guys Ive never met before!. I love my husband to bits, hes a good man, but I would never ever ever want to be in a position where I was financially dependent on him. Honestly, it feels awful. Back in the days of Usenet, this was called the lurkers support me in email, which just about sums it up. Abusers often (successfully!) Its fine. Its literally the opposite of a fun wild weekend. He is not being reasonable or rational, so dont even try to engage with him as if he is. I think thats reasonable. If so, maybe its just a weird fixationbut if he often has nervous, fearful, or otherwise disproportionate reactions to things, it might be worth seeing if he can get some help with that. What happens in counseling is that the controlling spouse learns new language to gaslight and manipulate their partner with, and things get worse instead of better. Leave your spouse for a week of leisure travel, wrong? Sogoahead and book that trip, and then make sure you spend asmuch time relaxing aspossible before your departure. Especially your point about this not being an issue of sides.. Sometimes walking away is the only thing you can do. He got anxious when I went to San Diego only because it was near the Mexican border, but gee whiz. I called home from a pay phone on the street around 10pm UK time and she freaked out because I was outside, at night, with nobody around who knew me! My husband makes every work trip a miserable experience for me and is angry at me for days before and days after. But we had conversations where we discussed what I was doing to stay safe, and we had agreed upon methods of checking in (calling / texting at certain reasonable times, for example). I agree hes not acting reasonably; but answers like therapy are a long-term solutions to an immediate problem. Even if I didnt hear from him or vice verse, we are adults. And nobody is reasonably going to crazy drug orgies where they might be at risk, during a work event. I didnt have to take many work trips, being a teacher, but I did occasionally go to educational seminars. Exactly. I only wanted to get someplace, anyplace, without slot machines. Sorry not sorry. Its just not reasonable to expect a spouse to not travel for business, and I cant imagine a whole group of people who would say such a thing. The letter writer is inquiring about whether or not she should DTMFA someone who drumroll has clearly already broken up with her. We split it into 3 traveling days both directions so it would be 6 hours and we are estimating 8 hour days, but know it could be longer. A spare hour or two could be spent at an adult themed entertainment show or casino, and that can honestly spiral. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Copyright 2007 - 2023 Ask A Manager. Exactly. If we could afford flying we would have. Uncategorized ; June 21, 2022 husband doesn t want to go on family vacation . Especially when those demands result in diminished opportunities. But if all your life experiences back it up, its not until youre faced with a new point of view (i.e., your wife goes on a business trip) that any of these beliefs even come to the surface. She didnt ask permission to go on a business trip this week, because I understand that her work travel is non-negotiable. Husband and I live three hours away from Vegas. Because someone whos having this kind of anxiety is going to get worse, not better if they do nothing to address the underlying issue. It was still broad daylight, and I was with a group of fellow students. Your husband is way overreacting and yall need to figure out why. For the OP, thats the problem here. I lived in Ottawa, our nations capital and it all suburbs and boring. Flying might be easier. Maybe this has been mentioned already (I started skimming when all the comments were the same OUTRAGE) but, would it be possible for your husband to come with you on this trip? Its just such a common conference/trade show city! You dont ever want to put yourself in a position of relaying solely on his for financial support because you then lose the ability to leave if you need to. From so many comments above, what people are missing here is that none of us knows whether the LWs husband is an anxiety sufferer or a control freak. Im good at what I do and I dont want to be made to feel bad because of it. 1. I cant speak for anyone but IMHO a little travel, twice a year or so is fine and take your spouse if you can but this several overnights monthly is not what I signed up for. M.M. If your classes are in the evening then change your major. mmmmmmm..yeah. Sometimes, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas because it was incredibly boring, like three days of being in windowless conference rooms. Just dont pack up and leave while theyre out of town and not even leave a note. Biking to work? Can we leave this here rather than derailing on it? Exactly this. My husband and I went for our honeymoon, we had so much fun just walking through all of the hotels and people-watching, plus saw some really great shows. My in-laws (who I no longer speak to) freaked out when my wife and I got our current apartment because they found out it was across the street from the best Mexican restaurant in our city. Autor de l'entrada Per ; Data de l'entrada columbia university civil engineering curriculum; hootan show biography . When does his flight land? I was bottle feeding at the time and would simply feed as my SO drove as well as changed diapers at either gas stops or just quickly in the car versus making 30-45 min stops. 402 views, 5 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Famosos: #TaniaRincn y su esposo iniciaron su amor con el pie izquierdo: su relacin no era perfecta. Rooms were kinda cheap, and Im sure the convention center was cheap. Slot machines are boring, table games make me anxious, I dont like to lose money when I could shop with it instead. Yes, marriage counselling. Its a constant negotiation and balancing act. Most business conferences result in 3 days on location you probably wont leave the hotel. I remember being like, What would I even DO with all this space? ha! Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. Dont get in a bike accident! This may be the one city where you are on camera every second. Just to give you an idea, my husband, my 10 week old, and I went to New Jersey this past weekend to see some of my husband's family.

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